“We can only speak sexually from our own perspective and experience.”
If you ever wanted to know anything about me sexually, here is a letter I wrote to a friend about my sexuality (the honest truth of it, all out now!):
Tsefan Josef – Tuesday, 4/19, 10:52am
Yes, my sexuality is a strange and self-absorbed one, isn’t it? It’s all about the sufferings of my penis and scrotum, both when aroused and when not, and my bodily naked and revealed submission before others, all for others’ entertainment and pleasure, of course. It’s all about me, my sexuality. Even when I’m avoiding my sexual urges and thoughts. Hence, why I do not impose my sexuality upon anyone. It has to be the desire of others to sexually dominate me and do these kinds of things to me, for their amusement and benefit and pleasures. Else wise, it is all about me and my penis and my needs, and that only takes a hand and some imaginary friends to address. Why I’m sexually this way, I’m still not entirely sure. I’m only sure of what thoughts and images of interaction with others gets me erected fast and hard. Do let me know that, by sharing as I do, if I’m sharing too much.
My number one fantasy always has been and always will be to be a sperm donor and have no choice but to have to give up my sperm to every woman who wants my semen. Did I say ‘and have no choice’ about this? From this fantasy of youth, all the other sexual fantasies developed, both the straight sex and gay sex fantasies, and most of these, too, developing early in youth. The only things that really change are the scenery and timing/order of the events and whose now doing these things to me. I am in sexual mind what happens when a socially inept person in youth intensely discovers his bisexual nature, and doesn’t know for the longest time what socially to do with it. I honestly believed in my twenties that not only would a dominant woman find me and dominate to the fullest degree my life in every way nakedly and sexually, but that I’d also find through her a compatible gay man whose just as interested in me in this way, and we would live life as a very happy and legally married threesome.
A bit naive this youthful belief, considering polygamy is considered a crime in this bi-phobic homo-phobic American culture. So, I came to rely on the sexual worlds and partners of my mind, not knowing in real life what to do about my sexual nature. Haven’t found anyone who quite sees the world sexually the way I do. But, such is life. Hence, why I keep it all online now, on pages requiring a password to read it. I’ve finally realized it is not drawing any beneficial attention to me being so blatantly ‘out of the closet’ in my expressions. And my greatest fear is this not properly addressed issue, my sexual nature, is all others will ever remember of me, if I keep it so readily out there. I do have other sides of me worthy of attention, I do have a social expression worth listening to. If only others would, that is.
I have always imagined myself kneeling before a woman and a man, and showing my devotion with the willing submitted service of my lips and tongue upon their sexes. To give my body to them to use and treat as they so see fit, for their erotic pleasure and entertainment. And having once doing so, have no choice but to be this way before them every time they want sex and sexual expression with me. At all other times, we live a typical – though threesome natured – socially oriented and productive life together. … On this note, since life has yet to provide me this, I cannot begin to express how blessed I am that I have what I have for a relationship life, with my wife. She is my helpmate in understanding how the rest of the social world around me sees relationship. And she loves me, even if she doesn’t quite get or know what to do with my inherent eroticism and viewpoint on relationships. I can only hope that I am truly blessing her in return.
I’ll stop talking now. (smile emoticon 🙂 ) Your turn ….
– Joseph Tsefanyahu Farkasdi